Weaponized AuTisM
by koolbiscuithotmail.com
Summary: I have cancer lol 69


Weaponised AuTisM

Chapter One

The Awankening

I was sitting in my cold, dark, grey room with the curtains closed. It was late at night as a looked in awe at the bottle of _**OxiClean**_ __that I keep on my shelf. It was just so beautiful. After staring at my _ **OxiClean**_ __for eight hours I decided to go to bed, even though it was 8:00 AM and I had to go to school.

"BILLY MAYS YOU GET UP RIGHT NOW!" my mom screeched at me.

I awoke after my mom made my ears bleed some more. I put some toast in my mouth and ran to school, because I weigh 400lbs I didn't make it very far. 4 meters. A new record. My mom drove me to school.

At school I decided to not do my work like one of the cool kids, and started to mess around in notepad. Long story short I am now the don of the russian mafia. After school my mom drove me home.

I decided that I don't want to be morbidly obese, so after I got home I tried to do some pushups. I failed and broke my arms.

December 20th, 2012.

Apparently the world's ending tomorrow. That's cool I guess.

Guess I gotta finish watching all the TV shows I put off. I also gotta say goodbye to my precious _**OxiClean**_ _ **™.**_ That will be the saddest moment of my life.

December 22nd, 2012.

I was lied to.

Chapter Two

The disappearance

The day was January 29th, 2013. I awoke with a start, feeling that something was wrong. I got dressed and brushed my teeth, then headed down the stairs for breakfast. It was then that I noticed what was wrong. It was the middle of the day. My mom hadn't woken me up. That was weird, but I payed it no mind. I decided to head to school even though it was 12:30 PM. After school my Mom didn't meet me like she usually does. At this point I was starting to get worried.

When I got home, my mom still wasn't there. The next day my mom still wasn't home, she wasn't home the next day, or even the day after that. I considered calling the police, but then remembered that I'm the don of the russian mafia. I couldn't just call the police. I called up my henchmen and told them to look into the disappearance of my mother. I will now compile all the evidence my men found that week.

 **FEBRUARY 2nd**

My men found my mom's diary, but found nothing of interest inside.

Nothing else of interest was found that day.

 **FEBRUARY 3rd**

A bright blue thread was found in the washroom. The thread didn't match anything we had in our house.

My men decided to look outside of the house for clues to my mom's location

 **FEBRUARY 4th**

Nothing was found.

 **FEBRUARY 5th**

One of my mom's boots was found at a garbage dump

Nothing else was found that day.

 **FEBRUARY 6th**

Nothing was found

 **FEBRUARY 7th**

Nothing was found

 **FEBRUARY 8th**

A hair was found at my house, on the couch that didn't belong to me or my mom.

Over the past 7 days we found a grand total of 3 clues that could lead to my mom's whereabouts. Whoever tried to cover up what happened did a really good job. We decided to look into the hair first.

We did a bit of research and found out how to trace a hair back to it's owner. After many attempts we found out that the hair belongs to a dog. That took two days.

We decided that the next clue we should look into would be the boot. We decided on trying to find out when the boot got to the garbage dump, and why it was at a garbage dump.

"Why would the boot be there?"

"Someone wanted to get rid of it."

"Why would someone want to get rid of it?"

"To get rid of evidence?"

"Why would they want to get rid of evidence?"

"Because they committed a crime."

"Why would they commit a crime?"

"For money? To satisfy a personal grudge?"

Through that set of questions we were able to deduce that my mom had been kidnapped or killed, but then again, we could have just jumped to a conclusion without proper evidence. We weren't able to track the boot back to the person who disposed of it.

We were down to the final clue, the clue the least likely to succeed, the thread. We were hanging onto this investigation by a thread. Heh. We took the thread to several tailor shops, looking to see if anyone had stopped by to get cloths of a similar color fixed. No leads. We then decided to look at some clothing shops to see if anyone had purchased anything of a similar color recently. No leads again.

Chapter 3

The Killer

We left the last store we could think of in shame. We had failed. Just then, one of my men remembered that a new tailor shop had just opened. We decided to head there. At the shop we asked the owner if anyone had come by with an article of clothing the same color as the thread.

"A young man brought his suit here to get it repaired. It was the same color as that thread you have. He just left ten minutes ago."

We asked for the man's name. Phil Swift was his name. After we got home, I looked online for Phil Swift. Turns out he really likes tape. But that's beside the point. I found out where he lives. He lives in the sewer along with his 4 turtles. Apparently he feeds them pizza.

It was the dead of night. I was slowly approaching the sewer grate that leads to Phil Swift's section of sewer. I slowly climbed down the ladder. The cold steel of the ladder froze my hands solid. It was very dark. I came into a room with a four-way junction of sewer water. I looked around the room for a few minutes, then… I saw him. Phil Swift in all his glory. He awoke, yelling " _ **THAT'S A LOT OF DAMAGE!**_ " I was scared. "D-Did you k-kill my mother?" I satmmered. _**"I SAWED A BOAT IN HALF!"**_ Phil swift replied. Suddenly he pulled out a role of _**FlexTape**_ __and wrapped me up with it like it was a lasso. I fell unconscious.

When I awoke I was in a dark room with a red light in it. There was a camera a few meters in front of me. It was pointed at me. Just then Phil Swift walked into the room. He walked up to the camera and said the following,

" _ **HI, PHIL SWIFT HERE FOR FlexTape**_ _ **™**_ _ **! THE SUPER STRONG WATERPROOF TAPE!"**_

He was recording an infomercial for _**FlexTape**_ __with me tied to a chair gagged in the background.

" _ **THAT CAN INSTANTLY PATCH, BOND, AND REPAIR!"**_

" _ **TODAY I HAVE A LIVE TEST FOR FlexTape**_ _ **™**_ _ **!"**_

Suddenly he pulled out a saw from his diaper. He started to approach me. I started to squirm and yell, but he paid no mind. At this point he was around 4 meters away. He was walking incredibly slowly. He could set the world record for world's slowest walker, honestly. Just then, I remembered something. I am Billy Mays. I pulled out my specialty; _**OxiClean**_ __From somewhere that even I don't know. I used the power of _ **OxiClean**_ __to break from my bonds.

" **Hi! Billy Mays here for OxiClean, the stain specialist, powered by the air you breathe, activated by the water that you and I drink. It's Mother Nature-approved and it's safe on your colored fabrics. Use it on carpets. OxiClean seeks out organic stains, pet stains, food stains. it gets down into the matting, into the padding. It even takes red wine and grape juice out of white carpeting. It cleans, it brightens, it eliminates odors all at the same time. Don't just get it clean, get it OxiClean. Make a paste. Make it 10 times as powerful! The longer you let it set, the easier it is. It will whiten your grout and get rid of your toughest stains. Sometimes soaking is the solution. If you use bleach, you'll ruin your clothes! OxiClean won't hurt the material - even lace! It has the power of bleach without the damaging side effects of chlorine. When your laundry detergent just isn't enough, super charge it with OxiClean. One scoop in every load of laundry, it will make your whites whiter. It will make your brights brighter. As a stain remover, it's the best! Grass stains, clay stains. Long live your laundry! OxiClean, the stain specialist. We sold millions of our two-and-half-pound tubs for $40. But if you call now, we'll cut the price in half, only $19.95. You'll also receive the Squirt Bottle and the Super Shammy absolutely free. If you call during this show, you'll receive a bottle of our world-famous Orange Clean made with pure orange oil. It cuts through the grease and the grime whether it's baked on in the oven or caked on the stove. You get all this for just $19.95. But call in the next 20 minutes, and we'll super size your OxiClean from a two-and-a-half pound tub to a whopping six-pound bucket! Nearly triple the amount, but you gotta call now!"**

I said all of that in three seconds. I am now the world's fastest talking man. After my infomercial had completed Phil Swift was cowering in fear. Suddenly Phil got back up, and was poised for my infomercial onslaught. He pulled out his _**FlexTape**_ __to capture me again, but it was not going to work. I knew his tricks, I dodged his tape left, and right, just like they do in that kung-fu panda movie. I twisted the cap off of my _ **OxiClean**_ __and Splashed it in his eyes. I had blinded Phil Swift. However, _ **FlexTape**_ __had a secret power no one knew about! He placed the tape over his eves, and then removed it. His eyes were completely healed!

Phil Swift summoned his secret weapon, a boat. Phil Swift pulled out his saw once again, and started to saw his boat in half

" _ **I SAWED A BOAT IN HALF, AND FIXED IT WITH ONLY FlexTape**_ __ _ **!"**_

Just like he said, Phil Swift had fixed his boat using only _**FlexTape**_ _ **™ .**_ I quivered and shook from fear. How could such an all-purpose tape exist? My _**OxiClean**_ __was nothing to him. I tried to think of such an amazing use for my _ **OxiClean**_ __but was unable to do so.

However, there is no way that I would give up my precious _**OxiClean**_ __to such a man! I ran to him, and instead of dodging his attacks like I had done previously, I let him grab me with his all-mighty _ **FlexTape**_ __he was confused. Why would I let him grab me? I had just enough room to open up my bottle of _ **OxiClean**_ _ **™.**_ When I opened it, I poured it all over my _**FlexTape**_ __bindings. My bindings loosened, and started to dissolve. The chemicals in my _ **OxiClean**_ __had dissolved and loosened Phil Swift's _ **FlexTape**_ __enough for me to escape with ease. I had reduced Phil Swift's all-mighty _ **FlexTape**_ __to a pile of plastic rope. I had defeated _ **FlexTape**_ _ **™ .**_ For some reason Phil Swift just melted like the witch in Wizard of Oz. I didn't question it at the time.

In the next room, I had finally found her. My mother. She had been sawed in half by Phil Swift and repaired entirely with _**FlexTape**_ _ **™ .**_ She was still alive, and now half _**FlexTape**_ _ **™ .**_ We lived happily ever after, and by that I mean I continued to be a disappointment to my mother.

 **The End!**

 **That's all, Folks!**

i hav cancer lol 69


End file.
